expression of the aggression and hostility aroused by this predicament
is considered illegitimate - the narcissist prefers to stay away. He
disconnects, detaches himself emotionally, becomes cold and
disinterested, directs transformed anger at his mate or at his parents
(the more legitimate targets).
Other narcissists see the opportunity in the "mishap". They seek to
manipulate their parents (or their mate) by "taking over" the newcomer.
Such narcissists monopolise their siblings or their newborn children.
This way, indirectly, the narcissist basks in the attention directed at
the infants. An example: by being closely identified with his
offspring, a narcissistic father secures the grateful admiration of the
mother ("What an outstanding father he is"). He also assumes part of or
all the credit for baby's/sibling's achievements. This is a process of
annexation and assimilation of the other, a strategy that the
narcissist makes use of in most of his relationships.
As the baby/sibling grows older, the narcissist begins to see their
potential to be edifying, reliable and satisfactory Sources of
Narcissistic Supply. His attitude, then, is completely transformed. The
former threats have now become promising potentials. He cultivates
those whom he trusts to be the most rewarding. He encourages them to
idolise him, to adore him, to be awed by him, to admire his deeds and
capabilities, to learn to blindly trust and obey him, in short to
surrender to his charisma and to become submerged in his
folies-de-grandeur. These roles - allocated to them explicitly and
demandingly or implicitly and perniciously by the narcissist - are best
fulfilled by ones whose mind is not fully formed and independent. The
older the siblings or offspring, the more they become critical, even
judgemental, of the narcissist. They are better able to put into
context and perspective his actions, to question his motives, to
anticipate his moves. They refuse to continue to play the mindless
pawns in his chess game.
They hold grudges against him for what he has done to them in the past,
when they were less capable of resistance. They can gauge his true
stature, talents and achievements - which, usually, lag far behind the
claims that he makes.
This brings the narcissist a full cycle back to the first phase. Again,
he perceives his siblings or sons/daughters as threats. He quickly
becomes disillusioned and devaluing. He loses all interest, becomes
emotionally remote, absent and cold, rejects any effort to communicate
with him, citing life pressures and the preciousness and scarceness of
his time. He feels burdened, cornered, besieged, suffocated, and
claustrophobic. He wants to get away, to abandon his commitments to
people who have become totally useless (or even damaging) to him. He
does not understand why he has to support them, to suffer their company
and he believes himself to have been trapped. He rebels either
passively-aggressively (by refusing to act or intentionally sabotaging
the relationships) or actively (by being overly critical, aggressive,
unpleasant, verbally and psychologically abusive and so on). Slowly -
to justify his acts to himself - he gets immersed in conspiracy
theories with clear paranoid hues. To his mind, the members of the
family conspire against him, seek to belittle or humiliate or
subordinate him, do not understand him, stymie his growth. The
narcissist usually finally gets what he wants and the family that he
has created disintegrates to his great sorrow (due to the loss of the
Narcissistic Space) - but also to his great relief and surprise (how